Eatser day 3,4,5,6,7 and 8 All with adult supervision - Tomorrow is another story
April 12th (technically day2)
In the spirit of humiliating the middle child who is still 5 years later adjusting to the fact that he is no longer the baby - I forgot to share photos of how cool a brother he is to his younger sibling, at dinner time he will sit at the table with her as if he was also 5 years old while being ignored as she happily plugs herself into whatever youtube trash it is she listens to these days... he gets bonus points because the demon child only ever empties her plate when she has someone to compete with.
April 13th: (day 3)
We did "activities" in part to stop the child that never stops talking from talking and in part because crafts are way better than having to play doll house or watch creepy doll videos on kids youtube... also because crafts are in my wheelhouse of things I can do. I'd like to pretend that I am a calm and collected parent - I think we discussed this before - I AM A CONTROL FREAK - there were tears, they were mine I'm not proud.
Yes this is a terrible picture but oooh look we made more egg and pom pom strands.
Back to the ritual humiliation of the middle child (Not the baby any more) - I like to occasionally and rarely remind him that I actually do like it when it comes home - I do this by feeding him excessively which for the most part has ulterior motives - 1 if I cannot get the vacuum of a man boy child to consume it - given he doesn't cook and lives off a student income then it really is bad and 2 to remind him that the stuff that is good is what he should remember when considering the future care home he will no doubt admit me to. I present something I can "cook" ye olde (Greggs) bacon cheese turnover - which makes me dribble like Pavlov's dogs every time I make these babies .. If you really want the recipe - which mainly involves lobbing bacon and cheese into puff pastry you can find a recipe here: https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/cheese-bacon-turnovers
I had a rare burst of energy in which I decided to be a good pinterest mummy (we discussed this before it never ends well...) What better than a home made egg and spoon race with obstacles - well I will tell you what is better - gouging your own eyes out with the spoon you used to carry the egg. Apparently when you are five - everything is unfair, winning is life and temper tantrums are the only way to achieve anything (I admit I taught her well). Also rules are optional and I have put on too much weight to make dungarees cool... no further comment.
April 14th (day 4)
We cleaned out the garage - well actually I moaned and bitched about the state of the garage and then *pretended* to be frightened by the nature and wild life in the garage until middle child and Husbeast took the hint and cleaned it out and went to the tip numerous times. To make my point that it was Easter week I wore my Christmas reindeer jumper because you know if you are a Jesus fan his birthday and his reincarnation are totally related no? Also I was cold and it was the nearest warm jumper to hand. In other news the demon child who by this point was bored and has nothing to do... actually has 4 very large tubs of outdoor toys...
At the risk of appealing to his ego... Husbeast is a bit amazing - after listening to me in my defiant Christmas jumper lamenting the failure of vegan bacon cheese twists and that Easter was a write off because Vegan Easter Eggs suck.. produced two bars of the only current chocolate known to man that involves me being extremely quiet during it's consumption. (Middle child take note...) This is an embellishment because this is the worlds best chocolate in which you can annoy the snot out of anyone in the room without actually talking because the popping candy element of this chocolate is extreme.. pop it in your chops let it melt and the loud fizz banging popping does the work for you...
Proof that Demon child does have access to vegetables.... no matter what she tells people... she does not have access to fizz bang whizz chocolate because she would ruin it..
April 15th (day 5)
Halleluiah - Snotface and baby Kain arrived to ensure that the forced family fun continued. Our village held an Easter trail to which I signed us up to in the spirit of being able to take photos and tell the demon spawn in oooh 10 years time that we did in fact have "fun" (I learned from the last two). She moaned about having to go for a walk because she doesn't like walking, she moaned about the fact her legs are too small to have to walk and she moaned about the sun... until she knew there was chocolate at the end...
Still with the weird posing face
Mid the Easter trail in which I thought my own legs would drop off middle child and Husbeast who very cleverly engineered an emergency trip to Asda (there other supermarkets but not where we live) sent the above photo without context.... I may or may not have bitched about a bloody hot tub and what that would involve and what the expectations of being a hot tub mum would be.... before a follow up text about the parasol being the focus of discussion. Cue disappointed bitching about not having the opportunity to be a hot tub mum...
As a result of the Easter egg trail we had to play in the park - snot face is great for this because she's one of those naturally joyful people you want to punch in the face... ( as her sister I am the only person actually allowed to say this)
After enforced Easter activity the grown ups decided we were done for the day - snotface took a well deserved nap and I threw water and foam on a tuff tray for the small people to engage in which took me longer to set up than they showed any interest in...
Middle child took a tumble - we laughed because we are horrible people
It was by this day that we all collectively realised there is in fact nothing good about Good Friday if you don't have hot cross buns and you have a moany 5 year old so we decided that large open spaces in which none of us actually had to be near each other were a good idea...
I jest but actually this was a pretty good idea - the small announced it was the best day ever and that they had never had a picnic before (lies) but for the most part I sat on my ass eating breadsticks and Pringles pretending to be too busy making daisy chains to have to be engaged in any of the actual physical activity that was taking part...
The baby Kain rocking a Minnie Mouse Towel - As Aunty Tatty I have a duty to include this kind of stuff so we can humiliate him the way we do middle child on his 18th Birthday
April 17th (day 7)
Easter Sunday - In which the Easter bunnies both had a lie in because one was sick and one had a hangover.... When the "bunnies" did fall out of bed and stumbled around the slightly hungover one following an Easter egg hunt had to make up ridiculous and extremely improvised lies about the fact that NO she is not the Easter bunny and neither is daddy. This was because stupid Easter bunny left the packaging of an Easter egg hunt on display.. however the advantage of being an eco warrior non bacon and cheese wrap vegan is that I can also talk about recycling or at least make snotface talk about recycling.. take note because these tips are for free... Turns out the Easter Bunny's recycling bin is so full he / she has to leave the packets at the kids houses otherwise he/she wouldn't get round everyone's gardens on time... this apparently went down well... the small person got distracted about whether Jesus had eaten his hot cross buns and how the non recycling Easter bunny featured which was when I shoved a roast dinner in her face...
April 18th (day 8)
The last day of adult supervision (oh please help me) - Daddy was very helpful and took the talker of all talkers shopping which is apparently her second favourite hobby following her need to talk excessively. This meant I got to sleep until midday which is not going to happen again anytime soon. This of course meant I had to deal with our enemy the mum guilt and engage in meaningful activity - turns out planting stuff is bonding because the small announced that she had decided she didn't hate me any more even though I won't let her use the telly in the morning because sometimes I do fun stuff..... she then proceeded to plan the rest of the week in extreme detail... which mainly involves getting up early having breakfast, putting our boots on and checking out plants which according to her will be huge by tomorrow morning - half of me wants to rush out and buy fully grown plants to avoid the earache that tomorrow will bring and the other half says fuck it have another vodka....
We agreed to grow all the seeds we have left just to see what happens - small is under the impression that we will have a bumper crop of vegetables tomorrow....
In other news Husbeast has decided to develop a new and irritating habit in which he says stuff like "well done" and "good job today" when I have parented. This infuriates me because as I tell him I know how to parent I just choose not to.. which he acknowledges after a lot of excessive "talking" on my part... in a late evening discussion in which I told him how annoying this new habit is I realise that he is in fact rallying for the remaining four days of Easter in which he goes back to work...
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