Starting school - forgetting about parenting and THAT diet

I don't even know where to start - summer bought a heck of a lot of birthday parties which for both myself and the madam involved drama 

Me: oh god why can't you be unpopular like your siblings?

Madam: who even is this person? (tell it like it is kid)

I arranged some weird agreement with the husbeast about if he drove us to said social events I'd do the weird social stuff if he agreed to accidently pick us up early - in theory this was a great plan until I became the angry single mum in the corner that everyone simply must engage with - you know for the sake of doing our bit... I have since updated the birthday party agreement in line with THAT doctor who episode where Amy and Rory ultimately kill themselves - together or not at all - which in that episode was probably romantic but when I say it to husbeast it is most definitely a threat. 

THE SUMMER HOLIDAYS

You know the 6 weeks in which GOOD mums who don't work spend the entire time doing bonding activities and doing amazing events - yeah no - I worked through it and left the madam in nursery, on the one day I did allow the spawn any time of fun at a theme park for under 10's it was purely based on my own walk down memory lane:

Yes we really did have that much fun...

 

NURSERY / SCHOOL

In the truest sense of being dramatic - the small who in 3 years of nursery with zero sick days - decides on her last day to spew like that scene from the exorcist (I did tell you she was the spawn of Satan) and therefore miss her last day of nursery - once we all thought she had recovered she decided to treat her aunty (3 days later) with another spew fest - so much so her aunty, cousin and brother came down with exorcism very shortly after, which proves I had successfully taught all 3 of my spawn that sharing is caring... (you are welcome)

10 days later we started school - you already saw the photos by hey we only get a first day once....

none of us are wise to whether she had a good first day or not since she decided to take all of her clothes off, run around butt naked demanding chocolate biscuits and a cup of tea while bemoaning the lack of snacks at school - she takes after her Nonna. 

 I do not have the current energy to talk about school requirements that make me slap myself in the head and say what the actual F - forest school, going to school in your PE kit in the deep winter and some weird donation scheme that isn't actually voluntary (no doubt I'll have a lot more to say about this in a month or so)

DANCE MOM

 ERMERGED - I'm gonna be a dance mom (FYI it's mum) - I decided in the spirit of giving my child opportunity to enrol her in a dance class - Acro dance to be precise. Now in my foolish head dancing is fun and cool and an opportunity to be your truest dramatic self - well I wasn't entirely wrong- before the session we had a whole dramatic episode worthy of EastEnders about what would happen if she hurt herself, if her leggings split, her feet fell off (WTAF?) people didn't like her and a whole other host of stuff I swerved. We go to class = she does the whole sobbing shoulders weep make your not yet a dance mom feel guilty - I wait 30 minutes to find out if I have finally induced the dreaded trauma her other two siblings constantly bait me with to find out that cartwheels, frog jumps and unicorns are the best thing ever and did we see she got a sticker (yeah the sticker obsession for achievement totally comes from my gene pool) 

Of course in the 30 minutes of waiting I listen to the other dance mummy’s who are like all well Sheba goes to swimming, violin, gourmet cooking, Swedish language, yak milking and other made up class I never heard of.. I'm nothing if not competitive so within 5 minutes of my child leaving class the poor being is now a member of the UN nations, the MP for my local area, zoologist and anything else I could sign her up for.... Photos to follow in an future blog post

THE NOT A DIET BUT A LIFESTYLE PLAN

 I don't know if I mentioned this before - VEGANS CANNOT EAT YORKSHIRE PUDDINGS :( - unless they want to pay £20 for 15...... and even then if they did find some weird fuck it excuse to in fact do so then if they are doing a diet - sorry lifestyle change they still cant because 1 not an actual Yorkshire pudding that cost more than 12 Aunt Bessie = A BAZILLION calories (we all know I mean something that rhymes with Lyns)

 I had to change my group because as soon as I re-joined, the group shut down (paranoid much?) and I did the thing - I'M a VEGAN - which I didn't actually mean to sound as aggressive as it has clearly translated - All I meant was how the hell is an avocado bad for you - now I have to sit in group with a genuinely well-meaning leader (she really is lovely) who constantly refers to me to ask how we might veganise something - clearly she doesn't know my explorations in lettuce soup and the things I subject my mother to... I don't bloody know - and I don't mind if you eat a field of animals - please stop asking me - because all I want to know is how to achieve perfection in terms of a Yorkshire pudding. 

Instead of having a sensible and mature discussion with my leader - I have taken to passively agressively emailing Wlimming Sworld with my suggestions as to why their meat culture is oppressive - yeah I used my career and dietary choice to challenge the only plan to ever get me to a weight I am happy with - so far no response - and my membership continues....

On the same note I'm having a birthday (my own) next week and Imma gonna eat all the yorkshire puddings that cost the same as my marriage - put on 10 stone and be okay with it....