parenting fails - in advance

 Oh god - it happened  - my child hit 4 and bloody made friends - I'm not gonna lie the pandemic had its positives - you know exactly what I mean, not having to do play dates, or mum friends or social interaction with people who the only thing you have in common is the fact you pushed a small person out of your intimate areas - or got them sky lifted if you are too posh to push. (I've done both so no criticism here)

We apparently have to go to a birthday BBQ tomorrow - now I'm not going to lie when I foolishly accepted (its a lockdown I lost my mind ok?) I was thinking that just like motherland it would be a drop and run job but OH Hell no... apparently in the 17 years of being a parent pre said 4 year old the world has changed - if you accept this offer then you are commiting to being on site.... fuck me - I gotta socialise with people I don't know at a BBQ - now if you didnt already know which I talk about a hell of a lot I'm a very angry vegan (Not angry about animals angry about bloody yorkshire puddings - long story which if you haven't been privy to I will save for another rant)... I don't like people I haven't chosen, I don't like the sun, I don't like social scenarios and I also don't like children - including my own.

In fairness to clearly very yummy mummy who responded to my acceptance faster than a rat up a drain pipe she did ask about my dietary preferences - now being a plant based freak - despite appearances we really don't like to put people to any trouble - I said something like small person is picky but feed her anyway me I'm a vegan but DON'T feed me... she said and I quote " Oh a vegan... yes we have ONE of THOSE in the family" which I think was supposed to put me at ease but just made me feel like the oddity you pull out of the closet for special occasions.... so now I just know one of two things is going to happen - she will go all out and I'll feel obligated to eat everything (you know screw the already complicated slimming world for vegans bollox I've decided to subject myself to for shits and giggles) or I'll have to eat an overly complicated salad that vegans don't actually like...

Yes I'm having a rant and being totally obnxious but the other important fact about said BBQ is that it occurs during said 4 year olds nap - now normal people who eat yorkshire puddings and have normal children will be saying oh 4 is too old for napping - those people are the people who have children who sleep normal hours (FUCK YOU) in my world I haven't slept in 4 years thanks to the curious hours the devil child doesnt sleep.... which ultimatly means faking fun for 3 torturous hours of amazing smelling meat on a BBQ while said demon behaves like the antichrist which I will have to deal with for the rest of the afternoon.

I'm a woman of a certain age - which my mother takes great delight in - I have never done heat or socialising or stuff that people are supposed to enjoy. BBQ day is set for a delicious 28 degrees, and I don't think I can get away with shoving ice packs in my pants - so ultimatly we have to accept I'm going to arrive cross, hot and sweaty with an over excited 4 year old....and then make conversation with people who enjoy parenting - I have already failed at convincing both my mum and my husband to take my place...

wish me luck......