I went back to fat club.... I made ZERO progress- heres a review of their vegan menu 3 days in (other lifestyle choices are available)

Right before we begin let’s start with the disclaimers and the hard truth... 

Fact 1 - So that I don't get sued - I am not endorsing or un-endorsing any weight loss group that I choose to be a part of, that you do or that anyone else does. Any resemblance a group that may or may not rhyme with wlimming sorld is purely coincidental - OTHER GROUPS ARE WIDELY AVAILABLE

Fact 2 - I have previously (or not) been a member of Wlimming Sorld and reached something that rhymes with SARGET. So, the plan works - you know if you eat meat and consume a lot of *INSERT BRAND NAME HERE* yoghurts - proof that it does indeed work

Fact 3 - In case you didn't know - I went Vegan for a dare for a month 18ish months ago (at the time I did not understand the loss of Yorkshire puddings which previously were about 2 *rhymes with* lyns)

Fact 4 - There was a pandemic - I put on all the weight that I had lost plus a stone

Fact 5 - I really really really miss Yorkshire puddings - to the point I get very angry about my loss (for my readers that apply theory I'm still in the anger phase of grief and loss)

Okay well I think that covers the basics... and onwards, this "slimming" attempt was as a result of me asking the doctor for a repeat prescription of ye olde contraceptive pill...if you actually read anything I post on face book.. you'll remember my anger (not Yorkshire pudding based for once) about having to explain why I in fact need the contraceptive pill....

We won't delve into the husband bashing because you know I think the above image says it all... turns out that jokes on me anyway - because when the receptionist phoned me smothering her giggles and asked my weight and blood pressure - I was all WHAT? what does that have to do with my clearly insane menopausal need to have sex with my husband and not make any babies? Turns out apparently everyone over 35 has their own BP machine at home (I don't) and reliable scales - now I'm not gonna lie - I was totally going to make both of those numbers up - you know oooh 10 stone and 766/90 except that it turns out that in my world none of those numbers are real...(and any health professional will see right through that) so after a very uncomfortable visit to the pharmacist one had to accept that we were not only an angry vegan but a fat one too... and having inherited my mother’s skills I broke two machines before we determined I wasn't dead but that low BP runs in the family. Which made me re-evaluate oneself.... hence the re-joining fat club...

Fast forward 6 weeks on the plan in which I had an amazing loss (yay me) and then just cocked it all up because despite potatoes being freely available on plan - turns out not so much in vodka form - I mean who knew?? So (and again if you know me you know that I am an all or nothing girl) I decided in a true FUCK YOU (3 days in I'm still not sure who is getting fucked or who I am proving anything to anyway) that I would download the BASTARD vegan 7 day plan and follow it to the letter...

And here is my current honest - not sponsored by any slimming plan review... ( with photos - for the most part)

 *side note - my BFF told me I have an A type personality - I have no actual clue what this means but I am pretty sure that Yorkshire pudding eating cow meant it as an insult - All I said was if it's not written down it isn't going in *INSERT LEWD COMMENTS HERE*

Proof that I meant business this week and created a scene in ASDA (interestingly I am less concerned about being sued by them) about the difference between lactose free yoghurt and plant based yoghurt and the difference between normal stock cubes and clearly labelled meat free stock cubes. 

Day 1: 

Breakfast: Beans on toast:

I'm not sold that we needed an actual picture here - bread is mostly vegan, beans are vegan - but lets be honest teeny tiny toasted brown bread with no actual you know lubricant on is pretty sad - beans or not. I added hendersons relish as an act of rebellion - it didn't make the toast any less sad. I was nearly as angry about that as things that begin with Y and P

Lunch: Sadness soup - correction Butternut soup

Well I love me some soup - but I don't enjoy soup that is 90% water - Mum tried to cheer me up by eating hers with 58 pieces of bread an actual fat laden vegan butter and grimacing...

Tea: Chinese Noodles:

Now I looked at that pan and thought oooh look at all the pretty colours in an attempt to make myself feel virtuous - hey I'm a real vegan that eats good - while very consciously being aware the last time I fed mum Pak choi all I heard about was the shits it gave her and why did she have to suffer?

Also, I had to log an ANGRY vegan rant at the slimming plan I choose to follow that EGG noodles (and Yorkshire puddings) are not in fact vegan - I'm not going to lie - based on my choice of vocabulary I am not expecting an actual reply - In fact I might be the first member to get a lifetime ban... We'll find out when I go weigh in next week.

I'll be fair - this was possibly the best thing I ate this day - which isn’t saying much - but I wasn't hungry after - that'll be the Pak choi

Day 2:

Breakfast:

Fruity porridge - I didn't take a photo - porridge is porridge and not in fact a Yorkshire pudding 

Lunch: 

Mexican delight:

I'm not sold that any Mexican would describe this as delightful or in fact Mexican - but it was easy to make and after 5 limes wasn't that bad, taking into account the fact I cannot cook rice unless it is claggy which is how I appear to think rice should be served. Mum chose to take a very very long walk at this point and refused my cold offerings, saying something about being sick of this shit already and when was *insert popular delivery service* that makes my cooking bearable arriving?

And then my husbeast walks through the door with this delight:

Now for the most part I refused to open said bag but I did google the *lyns* - my mother on the other hand descended on this dishevelled and very cold bag like someone who hadn't seen food for a year...

Tea: Chilli falafel burgers:

I have a lot to say about this meal - and some of it is actually positive - not a lot but some. I have a very long and sad history with the falafel - as in every time I try to make it slimming friendly I throw out a very burnt saucepan in disgust, the bloody things never stay in one piece and I find the whole cooking experience more traumatic than the time I decided lettuce soup was a good idea - this time I went in with my serious I can follow a recipe I might be (I'm not) a chef this time - I did not mess with those fuckers in the pan, I set a timer I followed that recipe to the word - still fell apart (me and the supposed burger) still threw a pan in the bin, still decided this was not worth the effort - and that was before the carrot fries. FYI carrot fries are not a) fries b) cooked after an hour oh and unrelated but still true a mushroom bun is nothing like bread - NOTHING! - I was a little fearful producing raw carrot and mush to my mother, but to her credit she managed a Wallace and Grommit cheese face while pushing this disaster around her plate - I was sold until I caught her taking photos and messaging my entire and very large family not to accept anything I offered to cook for them.

Day 3 (today)

Breakfast:

 Overnight Oats - of which I didn't take a photo - for a number of reasons - the main one being that when you stumble around of a morning when it's your turn to get up with the 4-year-old who is louder and more enthusiastic than the loudest and most enthusiastic thing you can imagine and likes to get up before birdsong the last thing you will remember to do is to take a picture of sad cold porridge.

 To be fair - overnight oats are not in fact awful but like lettuce soup can go one of two ways - amazing or terrible - there is no in-between - you can make your own judgement here but today mine were like chewing amazon packaging with a side of soy yoghurt. 

Lunch:

Jacket Potato and something my "slimming" plan describes as houmous (it isn't)

Again, no photo because no one needs a photo of sadness potato. I got all cocky on day two - you know look at new prepared me I'll pre -prepare tomorrows lunch by lobbing a potato in the oven while fucking about with those ridiculous carrot fries. Potato next day - very sad (The only good potato is one that makes vodka - yes I have a problem) NOT houmous - even sadder than non-vodka potato - I can't even I might cry - in fact I salted that meal with my tears....

Tea: Moroccan meat free tagine

Had to ask mum what the heck a tagine was - probably should choose to ask my questions at certain times of day - because she had a lot of answers which had nothing to do with what I had actually asked - mainly "oh god what shit are you feeding us today" and " you can call it what you like it'll still be shit" - Not gonna lie I am not enjoying my mother’s say what I think 60+ freedom as much as she is. 

Long story short - I lobbed (technical cooking term as approved by Mr Ramsey - who I don't think will sue me unless you point him to this very disastrous blog - please don’t) all the questionable veg into a pot and announced it was Moroccan. Mum shoved it around her plate more than usual which is code for "what the fuck is this shit" and I caught her stuffing crisps in her face an hour later so it was probably a dish for the tastebud challenged - I didn’t mind it but yet again my slimming group of choice's instruction for cooking times need to be  multiplied by at least 4 hours....

only 4 days to go until weigh in....