I Killed a Bee - I didn't like it - my boyfriend don't mind it...

 Let’s start with a disclaimer and acknowledge we are in the middle of a heatwave, as previously discussed I'm an angry possibly menopausal vegan woman of a certain age, frankly that title was the best I could do under the circumstances...

Having survived the previous BBQ where I had to pretend to be a yummy mummy, I've had to face the inevitable return to work - in a heat wave where none of my clothes fit and that ones that do make me look like an overfilled sausage, really not a look that says very serious professional but more forget the pandemic shield your eyes from the horror before you. 

Speaking of which Freedom Day - interesting that I feel like I did at the beginning of the pandemic where people are giving me odd looks that I'm still wearing a mask in public - this might also be the overfilled sausage look but I'm blaming it on the wears a mask thing. I've reached the stage where you do you and I'll do me in regard to covid, wear a mask, don't wear a mask, cram yourself into a room full of 900 people, social distance don't social distance but I have so far managed to not catch COVID and I would like it to remain that way so let’s not judge one another but let’s also not pretend that COVID said oh freedom day I'll just go away now then shall I?

My small person (she-devil) graduated - from nursery of all places, typical that as the youngest of the 3-crotch fruit I have spawned, the one that decided she was already ready for the world even if we were not by arriving 7 weeks early has to outdo the older 2 by graduating before either of them who are doing real life academic degrees! I'm not really into the young people graduating thing, it's an Americanism we've adopted but man does she look cute in a mini hat and gown, but I am mildly pissed that people got to go to nightclubs and the football and I couldn't attend her nursery graduation. Of course, this also means I have to finally accept that she is indeed going to school in September and that she is no longer an infant. I'll make peace with at some point but not yet - She's still a baby. 

Mum has decided in her own true fashion that in the middle of a heat wave the only way to cope is with a concoction of peaky blinders liquor with any ice cream she can find in the freezer regardless of flavour or age, with milk is the way to go. This includes for breakfast (I kid you not) She has also taken to reminding us all that "back in her day" there wasn't any moaning about heatwaves you just got on with it - she says this while lying in front of fans covered in ice packs and waving her afore mentioned cocktail around. She also has very strong views on the use of spring greens, Pak choi and cabbage in her dinners - which include "what the hell is this shit" "Why am I being punished because you've decided your fat?" and "accidently" dropping her dinner so that she can have something else. Lord help us if she ever does become senile if this is the way she currently behaves.

I may have mentioned the heat wave - because it's my life and you know disasters happen at all times (can a girl catch a break) our drains have decided to clog, creating a lovely eggy, drain, putrid stench to the heat. Husbeast who I often mock gets full on brownie points for putting his arms up places (not me) that no human without a drainage qualification should have to do. Clogged drains remain which means no dishwasher, no washing machine, no shower, no sink. well, you get the point IN A HEAT WAVE. So now not only do I look like an angry overfilled sausage I smell like one too. In an unusual move for my husband (which evidences how hot it must be) he conceded and phoned an "expert" who while may be an expert in drains is not an expert in time keeping. Expert arrived eventually and did the equivalent of what mechanics do when they see me coming with my I don't know what this car does, with a lot of mmmming and ahhing and quoting £20 quid for a quick fix then announcing that actually it’s not a quick fix and actually it'll be 213 quid plus VAT. Husbeast very quickly decided that he could learn how to be a drain expert overnight via amazon and YouTube and sent said expert away. Let’s just say that after 2 hours of intense study and costing equipment we have another expert coming tomorrow afternoon.... I'll let you know how that works out with 5 of us not having had showers so far...

Now back to the sausage fest (not as exciting as it sounds) none of my clothes fit - really this is not an exaggeration so I have had to resort to maxi dresses which fit but are far too warm, therefore I have forgone any form of underwear because well who will know? I'm merrily minding my own business in the garden, by which I mean hiding under the gazebo while occasionally dipping my toes in the paddling pool when I get a strange sensation in my frock which is like when the wind blows in baggy clothing so I ignore it. Apparently since becoming a hormone induced angry vegan (hey it's been at least two paragraphs since I told you about my eating habits) I've also become deaf to the sounds of creatures that buzz. Eventually it dawns on me that that is not wind either from the weather or my nether regions that is causing my frock to move like that, and that in fact there is probably some kind of creature in my frock. It's hot, my mind is foggy, I'm dieting and all I can think about is calories, I have no common sense and I do not take the time to process what is happening, instead I decided to start swatting at my frock (remember I am not wearing any underwear). long story short it occurs to me a little later than I would have liked that I have been stung (there’s some frantic like ice age thinking about which of the bloody stinging creatures I'm allergic to) while I drop the phone because as my mother likes to point out I have it attached to my ear (I don't like silence I can't help it) strip off said frock and dance around like a loon naked in my garden that pretty much most of the street can see into because that’s always the best strategy. I run through the house butt naked trying to be a very cool calm person and bust into my mother’s bedroom. Fortunately, she's been at the previously mentioned cocktails and also has seen me naked many times before. Now I hate to make her head swell but in times of crisis she is a saviour, admittedly she doesn't do reassurance or kind words very often. (When we were kids you had to be dead to not go to school and even then, she would have propped us up with a stick and sent us in) After laughing a lot, she swiftly and without blinking whacks out the TCP and asks me to bend over (which given my naked status, age and current body status is very brave) and reduces the agonising pain that is coursing through my body. Of course, later when she goes to retrieve my frock from the garden while muttering about the amount of bloody washing I generate she takes great pleasure in announcing I have managed to piss off and potentially kill a bee and all because I wasn't wearing underwear. What kind of Vegan am I and she’s gonna tell my sister who will certainly have something to say because she's never killed a bee and she's a proper vegan.

Small person is not handling the heat well and has taken to invading my bed naked (like mother like daughter) and insisting on naked body cuddles while laying with her legs open in front of the fan. Husbeast however copes with it like a pro, he does draw the line at mum doing the same.